Guys, I'm done. Today, this week. Done.
I have been utterly useless for 3 straight days.
Did you read my post from last week about doing big amazing things? About making the hard decision to get up and work when it's easier to sit?
Total crap.
Okay, not really. But I'm not going to lie-- the universe is calling my bluff this week and by day 4 I am folding.
Monday:
Woke up ready to change the world.
Instead, I got some studio time in, nothing and no one got broken, burned or buried. Fed the humans and the dog. House started clean, house ended clean. Good day- didn't change anything but the laundry though.
Tuesday:
First of all, the dog ate a mattress. This isn't your run of the mill slobbery junkyard muscle mutt. She has a stomach the size of a golfball. She prances and would dress for tea if she had a more English, more elegant owner.
As far as being productive, I had every intention to paint. I was looking though photo references and ended up crying over videos of my babies and wishing chocolate didn't make my face break out. Do not watch google-generated "They grow up so fast" videos. Don't do it. It's a slippery slope that leads directly to the dark place.
Wednesday:
Picked up my new fancy shmancy camera with it's fat expensive lense to hear a distinctive rattle. Not a "something's worked loose rattle" but a sleigh bells, rain stick, full-piggy bank, "I got dropped nose-first on the tile floor by a kid who still needs to confess" kind of rattle. Fantabulous.
Lucky for me I made lunch plans with a really exceptional human and got to spend all afternoon hiding from my inability to be a functional adult and have nice things.
Thursday (Today):
Walked into the garage searching for the little people. Found my youngest and his BFF washing the Tesla with a bottle of water and what looked like a set of over-large, metal bristled tooth brushes that I can only assume were created to do unspeakable things to beautiful cars.
In my "don't overreact" moment of stepping back I nearly tripped over the (delivered yesterday) new electric bike in pieces scattered among a variety of discarded hand tools.
Now is the time to give up. Absolutely. My body is crampy, my brain is in full hibernation till the sun comes out which I expect will happen on Saturday when I get my husband back into town.
I re-banned the kids from the garage, decided I would not be leaving the couch for any reason unrelated to empty calories for at least the next 6 hours. I am also renaming my dog Butch and wondering if I have enough unmatched socks to fill the gaping mattress hole.
I am feeling so undone. But it's a familiar feeling that reminds me that as we move forward in life we do so in cycles. Some are long, some repeat frequently. They teach me that I cannot be the same thing all the time; I am ever changing.
Some weeks my body and my mind just need me to rebuild and restore and rest. I am going to honor that.
I am going to honor that by powering through 11 seasons of MASH on DVD and a quart of heavy whipping cream.
Next week though... gonna be epic.
p.s. Miracles do happen... I finally got up the courage to check out the surface damage on the car (aka Dad's baby) and ... nothing. I can't find a single scratch. I'm thanking God for this one.
I love how you embrace instead of resist this recurring cycle. The human bleeding through is so tragically and refreshingly obvious. Why do these downturns after an epiphany catch us by surprise? I don't feel so alone now.